Posted: November 22, 2016
Parents often struggle with being honest with their children about their strengths and weaknesses for fear of ruining their self-image. Yet, a false sense of self leads to disappointment and an inability to see one’s true strengths. How can parents build their child’s self-confidence and avoid over-inflating their egos or giving them a false assessment of who they are?
As a parent educator, I am naturally observant of parent-child interactions. The ones that stand out--both positively and negatively--often become the backdrop for written articles and examples in programs. Last Saturday, a soccer lesson for five- and six-year-olds afforded me one of these moments.
While the instructor was putting cones out for an activity, six boys stood inside the net at the end of the playing field. One boy with a larger frame and stocky build turned to two other boys and said to them, "You know, I am not fast like you. I am strong. Just feel my muscles!" He gave a grunt while flexing his biceps and invited the other boys to squeeze his arm. The other boys reached out and pressed their little hands around his upper arm. "You are strong!" they said in unison.
The adults in the background were amused with the conversation and grinned at each other. The boy's father turned around and looked a little embarrassed. He began to explain.
"We were having a conversation last night about how some kids are fast and others are slow. He didn't like that he is slow. So, I explained to him that not everyone can be fast. Some people have to be strong so they can do things that require muscle."
Just as the father finished his story, a sobbing child came off the turf and ran to his dad. The little guy with the muscles was upset that another player stole the ball from under his foot, ran down the field and scored a goal. He wasn't fast enough--again!--he cried. His father reminded him about their conversation the night before and how it was OK to not be fast. Someone has to be strong!
The coach came out and invited the boy to be the goalie. Between his large frame and wide wingspan, he did not let any balls pass him into the net. He was beaming with pride. Clearly, he was able to see that he brought something special to the team.
I congratulated the father and said I wished I could have recorded that whole practice. It was a perfect example of how parents and adults can build a child's self-confidence and help him feel good about himself and his unique abilities.
A child who is not a stellar athlete may be friendly, compassionate, or kind. These are wonderful character traits to celebrate in your child.
Parents often struggle with being honest with their children about their strengths and weaknesses for fear of ruining their self-image. Yet, a false sense of self leads to disappointment and an inability to see one's true strengths.
How can parents build their child's self-confidence and avoid over-inflating their egos or giving them a false assessment of who they are?
- Recognize and praise a child's "other" abilities. A child who is not a stellar athlete may be friendly, compassionate, or kind. These are wonderful character traits to celebrate in your child, and they will take him/her far in life.
- Learn from mistakes. Help your children to talk about what they might do next time. Let them see that failure is not an end, but rather a chance to try again. Praise efforts rather than outcomes.
- Be realistic about a child's strengths and weaknesses. Help your child reframe his challenges and see them as assets--like the strong goalie!
- Avoid comparing children. Even in the same family each child is unique. The child with a high activity level simply has different abilities than one who can focus on a task for a long time.
