Posted: December 1, 2015
Parents often ask why time-out doesn’t work for long with their children. It tends to stop misbehavior in the short run but not for any length of time. Is time-out really an effective discipline strategy? The answer is that it all depends on the outcome parents want.
If a parent or caregiver is reaching the boiling point due to a child's (mis)behavior, sending the child to time-out may be the best thing to do. No adult wants to lash out at a child either physically or verbally. Removing the child from the setting allows the adult to calm down while ensuring that the child is in a safe place.
A second outcome goal may be to allow an upset or overactive child to regain control.
Depending on the child's temperament, time-out may or may not be an effective tool. Emotionally intense children may become more upset when isolated. When they really need someone to help them regain control, they are instead left alone with their emotions and no ability to bring them back in balance.
When it comes to using time-out as a consequence for inappropriate behavior, forethought is required. Some important considerations are the age and stage of the child, the child's temperament (level of negative persistence), and a plan for follow up.
Use of time out requires that a child be able to make the connection between the misbehavior and the consequence of being removed from all the fun and action. Young children's brains are simply not developed enough to do this. They really do forget!
Strong-willed children may opt to bear the consequence of time-out rather than not engage in the undesirable behavior.
Also, parents may not "close the circle" when they use time-out as a consequence. It is critical that no matter what the age of the child, time-out concludes with a discussion about what caused him or her to have to go to time-out in the first place. That conversation should include concrete expectations for future behavior. For example, "From now on, when you want a toy, you must use your words instead of grabbing it from your brother."
Experts also recommend that, if adults choose to use it, time-out be given at the rate of one minute per year of age of the child.
Try time-in
Many parents have found much greater and long lasting success when using "time-in" instead. Rather than remove the child from the situation, they use the time as a teachable moment. This is an opportunity to teach the child empathy: "Your brother cried when you took his toy. See his face? He is sad."
It is also a great opportunity to help the child become a problem-solver: "The rule is that we walk inside the house. Where can we go so you can jump?"
Distracting a child is another way to use time in, especially when the goal of the behavior is to get attention. Adults can point out something interesting outside to the child who insists on jumping on the sofa. Ask her to help you with a task, start a conversation about something unrelated to the behavior. Not every misbehavior requires that a consequence be given.
"Time-out with a plan" has been observed to be effective for the child who is emotionally charged.
One plan is to fill a plastic water bottle with water and a material such as glitter and seal it tightly. When a child needs to "chill," he can retreat to the time-out area and shake the bottle. When the glitter settles, time-out is over. The simple act of watching the glitter fall to the bottom of the bottle allows the child to focus and relax. When the time-out is finished, the child and the adult should have the conversation about the reason for the consequence and the desired behavior.
Time-out or time-in? That is a choice that parents and caregivers need to make. Depending on all the variables mentioned, time-out may work for some families and some children, and not others. Whatever discipline techniques are in use, from time to time adults need to ask themselves the question that one television talk show host frequently poses to his guests: "How is that working for you?"
